Beam & Brush

“They earn their freedom from the pain of change by total surrender to the ways of rain.”
-Robin Wall Kimmerer, Gathering Moss

First off, we are all artists. That energy potential to create is within us all. We all have varying levels of artistic self expression, depending on how we were raised, what’s genealogically passed down, the environments and people we are around and influenced by, and how in touch, or numb to, one’s inner world we are. But our bodies, physical and energetic, are made for creating. Making music, dancing, speaking, writing, painting, sculpting, tattooing, teaching, acting, landscaping, farming, having kids, making a house a home, raising children, engaging in any form of intimacy with another being, designing, dreaming and brainstorming, sewing/knitting/crocheting, choosing an outfit, baking or cooking, taking photographs and videos, growing & tending plants, nurturing and tending to bodies, hosting events, holding space…the list goes on and on. Creating does not equal professional. Creating does not equal perfectionism. Creating does not equal one particular standard. Creating is life. Living life fully is an act
of creation. As a creator, you are an artist.

So, yes, I’m an artist. So are you. So is everyone else.

It doesn’t matter if you think your art is “good” or “bad.” It came from you and deserves acknowledgement. Keep it or throw it away or reuse it, doesn’t matter, just create.

Don’t worry about the ebbs and flows of inspiration and motivation. As natural artists in tune with the biological, seasonal, and lunar elements, our creating will flow in cycles. Sometimes we want to create lots of things and have lots of ideas and urges. Sometimes there’s nothing–no primal urge for output, no enlightened spark of a beginning. As artists/humans, we need the rest, the space between, the down time…to imbibe art from others, to dwell in silence and stillness, to just be with nature, to feel the lack of creation flowing from within us. How would we sustainably create without the balance that do nothingness provides?

For me, when I’m not “working” (cause when you love what you do, it feels like play!) within the art of bodywork, the medium I utilize to create also comes in cycles. Sometimes I’m pulled to dance, sometimes to paint, or simply color, or write, or sing, or host. Sometimes I feel drawn to share, sometimes I desire to keep it just for me. At this juncture in time and space, painting and writing feel really good together. Painting helps me journal deeply with myself– it provides a clearer vessel to sail the ol’ river of reflection… it can take me to the heart of what I’m feeling. This painting is a reminder of the power of my soul, my spirit, my energy.

Note to self: I cannot keep comparing my hurt to others’ hurt.

Everything is relative and if I bask in the guilt that my grief and pain are nothing like those of, let’s say, the families’ in Palestine, then I’m never going to fully feel what’s bubbling inside me, kiss my boo-boos, learn from them, and move on to continue living a full life. If I allow myself to go through my own feelings of being betrayed, ostracized, and emotionally wounded, this frees up space and energy to actually be of service to helping mend the big boo-boos of the world, in whatever ways I can. It also helps me stay grounded in the unwavering truths amongst evil-voice-in-my-head-doubts. I’m willing to feel my pain, so I can let it go. Bonus that this allows my empathy to function in an empowering way versus the pity-party way I could get sucked into via comparison-making.

I like to keep a consistent practice of personal growth and healing (in a balanced, non-obsessed kinda way, ha.) This past year there have been some especially large feelings that at times felt overwhelming and paralyzing.

I know it’s common for people to have estranged family members and yet it was still a surprise and shock to my system when a, what I thought somewhat close relative of mine, decided to “ghost” me. Unfriended, no longer invited to her kid’s birthday parties, ignored every single attempt I made to reach out and communicate, who knows, I’m maybe even blocked. Literally no words from this person, just action: cutting me out of her life completely. I understand ending relationships, but it’s hard for me to wrap my head around doing it without a notice of “I don’t want to continue our relationship, I don’t want you in my life anymore.” Even evicted people get a note on the door. An explanation would be cool too, but bare minimum is to notify the person…isn’t it? Seems like a common courtesy even to your worst enemy. But that’s just like, my opinion, man. (Dude.)

Sooooooo…yeah. You betcha this brought up a lot of feelings and stories of being abandoned, being excluded, being unlovable, being unworthy of kindness, being judged, and ultimately not being liked and rejected…within my own family. I know I’m not alone in feeling these things, and I see you, if this touches a wound of yours. At the same time, this all felt incredibly freeing, because I sure as shit don’t want anyone in my life who treats me like that, and apparently, this person is okay with treating me like this. I was shown who really is for me, who loves me for ME, who actually wants me around them, and supports me genuinely. This part is a gift.

And to my family who continues to show me unwavering love and respect, which includes many friends, from the pit of my being, I thank you for being some of the most valuable treasures of my heart.

It’s eerily paradoxical and timeless how grief and freedom love to hold hands skipping down the path together.

This sudden and unexplained loss of relationship also became a test of my self love, self appreciation, and self respect. Without suppressing my feelings, I amped up the frequency and intensity of practicing returning to a grounded, centered, and connected state of being. Returning to this energy does NOT equal suppressing the urge to cry, scream, shake, etc. It reminds me that these feelings and energies are just fulfilling their part in the evolution of my Self, by traveling in, through, and out of my vessel, dropping gems of applicable wisdom along the way.

That light beam in the center is me. I’m anchored deep into Earth’s core and high up into the galaxies. I am this infinite spiral light beam, see how my central light portal glows? That glow took work! So did securing those anchors. Work that I’m meant for. Work that feels good and fills me up. Inner work, nonetheless. I’ll still wobble and sway and shake, but I ain’t going anywhere. Secure. Connected. Unbreakable channel of force, and light, fierce protection, and a disciplined wise love. Nothing can break my security within my soul. Not the lightning, not the fires, not the characters playing roles that try to shoot me or pull me down or capture me or repel me. No amount of darkness can squander me. Not any poison spoken by another, not even by me. Not the toxic constraints and boxes. Not the nauseating greed and selfishness of a world that will always display some evil. Nature is here to help in this play called life– infusing other light beings with courage and sustenance to keep flowing, growing, and glowing. Even the poison and the evil are just actors catalyzing growth and experiences, enacting laws
of polarity and balance.

So in this play of life, the play of good and evil, of hurt and healing, of joy and sadness, of grief and freedom, we really are just characters, formed by the story we are living in and by the type of actor/soul we are. The roles our souls play and how those roles are affected by others’ roles, provide the insights that inform every decision we make and path we go down as characters in this play. Within various scenes of the play, we may switch roles, presenting as a snake to a rat when in the prior scene we were the tree to the owl. Shapeshifting in this odd theater of experiences presents individualized truth-nuggets for all involved. Our psyche and our spirit gets practice over and over again with rooting into self assuredness and security, and rising into one mother-loving-consciousness.

So, Hi, I’m Emilee. I like to call myself Treasure Goddess. I’m a shapeshifting beam-of-light actor artist who’s spirit animal in this realm of spirituality and the metaphysical is a racoon. (In the realm of joy it is a sea lion, in the realm of growth it is a heron, in the realm of transformation and soul purpose it is a turkey vulture.) To see me is to see someone you feel like you’ve already met. To see me is to see someone who mirrors what you embrace and/or refuse within yourself. To see me is to see everyone I have ever been and ever will be.

But…

Will you see me? It doesn’t matter to me anymore. To see myself is to be seen.

With delight and wonder and reverence for it all,
Treasure Goddess (Emilee Trudo)

(Note to all my blind readers, when I say “see” I am referring to a third-eye sense, not a literal physical eyeball operation. Much love.)